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7 Things You Need To Know About Plush Japanese Mall Shredder

7 Things You Need To Know About Plush Japanese Mall Shredder

Video footage of the Chosen One fulfilling the ancient prophecy of end times has surfaced on twitter. Here's what you need to know:

  Takama-ga-hara, birth place of the Plush Japanese Mall Shredder

Takama-ga-hara, birth place of the Plush Japanese Mall Shredder

1. Plush Japanese Mall Shredder was sent forth from Takama-ga-hara (basically Shinto Valhalla) to warn of the end times.

  Our bloody demigod eviscerating deniers with his unholy blast beats

Our bloody demigod eviscerating deniers with his unholy blast beats

2. His silken fur is stained with the blood of mortal beings who defied his message. Those who deny the sanctity of Plush Japanese Mall Shredder are eviscerated in the carnage of our bloody demigod's blast beats.

  Orphan Choir

Orphan Choir

3. The ballad of our Dark Plush Lord of Havoc was sung by the orphans of his victims. Their wails encourage mall patrons to give up hope and submit to certain annihilation.

  Escalators of Judgement

Escalators of Judgement

4. The escalators behind our cushy crimson metal messiah send mortal souls upward toward Ama-No Uki-Hashi, the bridge to Takama-Ga-Hara, or deep into the bowels of an unfathomably brutal hell. None shall escape judgement. 

5. There is a scar under the left eye of our Silken Lord of Chaos. The wound was inflicted by the Kami (elemental spirits) upon discovery that our arbiter of extermination had once displayed mercy. Never again was mercy shown, and double bass drum blasts rained from the heavens henceforth.

  Where Plushy Japanese Mall Shredder collected the bones to make his drum kit of destruction.

Where Plushy Japanese Mall Shredder collected the bones to make his drum kit of destruction.


6. The drum kit brutalized by our Master of Infinite Devastation was crafted from the bones of nonbelievers and Rod Stewart fans.

7.   Life is but a flash of suffering in the great infinite cosmos. The arrival of Plush Japanese Mall Shredder signifies its end.

Meet The Vagina Speaker

Meet The Vagina Speaker

UFO Research Goes Pop Punk: Tom Delonge Wins UFO Researcher of the Year

UFO Research Goes Pop Punk: Tom Delonge Wins UFO Researcher of the Year